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[Oct. 20th, 2009|09:55 pm] |
my eye feels like it's going to come out of my face you guys i don't know what is wrong with my sinuses but it makes me want to die
i uhhh i got into odu! and i found out i can drop my math class, which is probably for the best, because if i drop it by next thursday i won't have any academic penalty and i definitely won't have an f, jesus christ. my only qualms are that it'll bring me below 12 credits and i won't get to hang out with mike before/after class. also i won't have a class right across the hallway from my awesome old creative writing professor. but i think it would honestly be better for me to drop it before i get an f in it and the people at odu see that OBVIOUSLY I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE and when i try to set up an advising session they go "don't even" and hang up on me immediately. long story short, fuck math i fucking hate it.
i gave my speech FINALLY in public speaking the other day and it was uh. it was pretty terrible. honestly, anyone who knows me knows how huge a deathphobe i am, and speaking in front of an audience is like ten times worse than death for me. it was awful. i got about three sentences into my first paragraph and my professor stopped me and told me to start over and ughh it was so embarrassing. but i did it. christ.
my brother is sick with strep, which means i'll probably get it soon.
uhhh me and my mom are going to raleigh this weekend to see the mars volta. fuckin. yeah. excited.
aside from hella stress about being sick with this sinus infection and having to get used to this fuckawful medicine and having enough homework to last me until i'm 32, i decided to spend my free time not doing much of anything productive at all and finally get past the first episode of tengen toppa gurren lagann. good idea, natasha, very very very good idea. one of the few things i'll say in this journal with genuine honesty. /fucking amazing idea/. i am so pleased.
god is it really only tuesday? ugh |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|06:26 pm] |
so uhhh i feel kind of guilty about writing about what i'm about to write about because i haven't even written anything about hanging out with sam!!! i've been hanging out with this dude preeeetty frequently since i moved back and he is super cool and super nice and hilarious and i do not feel uncomfortable around him at all which is rare because usually i am intimidated to all butts around boys but sam is just such a wicked rad dude i have no reason not to be. we go to parks and draw and wear nothing but plaid and feel no shame about how chubby we are. super super cool oh my god.
but here's why i feel guilty. i totally have a stupid stupid crush on this boy i have seen in the parking lot at tcc exactly twice. he is gorgeous and he told me he likes my hair. i saw him again today after not seeing him since the first time and he remembered me and waved and looked so happy i felt stupid. :< i don't even know his name. this is dumb. i don't want to have a crush on this super hot super super super ridiculously fucking foxyass boy just because he likes what color my hair is. totally dumb.
lol actually i don't want to have a crush on any boy, it never ends well for me
god someone remind me to reapply to odu before october first, there is no way in hell i'll remember
oh shit i gotta go, i have to fail this spanish test :<<< |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|11:19 pm] |
today was a good day. :>
too bad i can't get onto goddamn aim for some reason >:C no i don't really care that much, big deal, boo hoo nat you can get off the computer early and work on a page or something or try to figure out how this new potential comic or story is going to work. i have most of it figured out but i dunno, it's missing something. shrugshrug i'll probably never work on it anyway once i get bored with the idea and move on to something else |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2009|10:51 pm] |
welp. i'm back in virginia. fuck.
i have never felt more bizarre. i can't even explain it. it's like being home again feels normal but wrong. being in austin with taylor was new and different and amazing and therefore totally not what is normal for my boring friendless little self but it felt so right, so right. and yet here i am. i have to go right from living with taylor and seeing her every day and being able to talk to her and hang out with her and just in general be with her almost whenever i want to not seeing her until december. it doesn't. ugghhh it is just completely bizarre, it makes no sense. it feels like a part of me died. it really does. i don't feel complete and i don't feel right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2009|02:20 am] |
god, look at this, nobody's commented on any journal entry i've written since may. i don't know why i bother writing here
i am so sick of writing about how sad i am but it's basically all i can feel anymore. i kind of can't wait to go home so i can get out of this routine of just working and being lonely. i'm /always/ lonely, i'm sick of it and i know everyone else is too, but it's like, even when i'm technically not alone, i still feel lonely because i don't feel like i'm wanted. and then i feel like it's because i'm clingy. i just want to be as important to somebody as everybody else is to me. maybe i'm just going to have to accept that nobody wants me like i want them. maybe i haven't found them yet. i don't care if it's a friend or something more. all i want is to know someone needs me.
i want to stop caring. i want it to stop hurting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2009|04:15 am] |
god what do i have to fucking do to be treated like a human goddamn being around here? i'm not dumb and i'm not three years old but i'm not capable of everything. jesus christ can't i make a mistake or be not at the top of my game once in a while without it resulting in license for everyone else to be a tremendous dick to me? fucking god, sometimes i don't know what i even have to live for |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|12:06 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | awesome, rush | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rush - freewill | ] |
i always feel a hundred fucking million times better whenever i'm listening to this band, i swear to god
thank you, rush, you make me feel like an individual again ;; |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|05:38 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | lonely, sleep, work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely lonely lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothin | ] |
i think i'm done trying to starve myself of sleep in preparation for this goddamn overnight shift tomorrow. i swear to god if i ever get scheduled like this again i am going to beat my manager senseless
actually i will never do something like that but whatever
i hate this schedule. i hate the entire past like fucking. i don't even know how long. way too lonely. way. too. lonely. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|01:22 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | life, sad, work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | watching king of the hill | ] |
i have this awful schedule and i want to punch everything
i hate working these stupid opposite shifts from taylor. i'm already going to miss her like crazy after i have to move back home and it just feels like i'm not even getting to see her at all right now. the most i see her is like. on her break and then between when she gets home and when i go to work. like two hours altogether. it isn't right, i want to get to spend time with her before i have to go back home. fuck this shit, fucking randall's i am so mad and sad
fucking smad
i hate missing someone who goddamn lives with me
taylor i see you more when you're asleep than when you're awake i swear to god :C
and look at this, the past like four entries have gotten no comments
i have no friends |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|02:44 am] |
i've been feeling pretty dehumanized lately. i like genuinely do not feel like i have been treated like a human being in the longest time. all i do is annoy people or make them uncomfortable or be stupid around them which leads to one of the first two things. i feel like i'm never going to be loved. i came so close. i feel like nobody cares that i'm going to miss them as much as i will when i move back home. i wish someone would touch me instead of me just being forced to be grabby all the time in an attempt to be touched. i want to be hugged without having to ask for one. i want human contact. i want to be a person again instead of just some like. annoying pet.
i kind of don't feel like i have any reason to be alive. i hate the night, i always get like this. i'm sick of crying, this shit is stupid. everything is stupid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|02:53 am] |
oh my god, i found episodes of salute your shorts on youtube. i haven't seen this show since i was like 7.
i totally realized i have shipped budnick/sponge forever :C |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2009|09:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
sometimes i just want a completely different life |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|06:37 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | austin, best of both worlds, hair, homesick, randall's, spoiled, vb, whine, work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mgmt - of moons, birds, and monsters | ] |
god i haven't updated in two months what is this shit
here's what i've been doing:
-working at randall's
randall's, for everyone who doesn't know, is a grocery store. i like most of the people i work with and i make the best money i've ever made, but i really hate the job itself. i might look for a new one, i don't know. i have really shitty hours this week, i worked sunday and monday and i'm off the entire rest of the week.
also i dyed my hair red. i /really/ like it. i don't know why i didn't go red sooner
all in all i really like it here but there are times when i get really like devastatingly homesick and i want to go back to virginia beach and never leave, but i can't even bear the thought of leaving all the people here. taylor especially (hi taylor), i don't know what i would do if i had to leave her or end up being just online friends with her again. it's awful. it really is the worst feeling in the world when i start thinking like this. that's kind of how i'm feeling right now, i miss vb so much, i miss all the things i used to do there, all the places, but i don't want to be alone again. i don't know what to do.
maybe i'll have a better idea later. i'm coming home for a visit june 5th and i'm going to be there until june 10th. who knows.
also i am sick of thinking about college. i really need to apply to these schools but i can't get myself to do it because it makes me too sad. fuck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|02:45 pm] |
ahaha uh wow i have not updated in a while have i
OVER A MONTH OH MY GOD
so here is what has happened lately:
-successfully moved my car from virginia to austin
-got to austin without dying or being in any kind of crash, good
-moved into the apartment
-hung out with taylor and her friends a lot. obviously i hung out with taylor a lot, duh, i am living with her
-looked for a job a lot
-saw slumdog millionaire
-saw watchmen. looked away a lot. i will never stop blaming rorschach, he was in like 95% of the scenes i had to look away from >:c
-had jeremy and joey sleep here for like four nights in a row i think. zach was here for. i think one. i dunno
-got to see zach all drugged up after he got his wisdom teeth out
-had a job interview at terra toys
-didn't get said job at terra toys
-went to coolass motherfucking soco >:c
-had to go uhhhhh two weeks without cable. i only went a few days without internet because i realized i could mooch of some dong's unsecured network. thank you, "jung," whoever you are
-watched a bunch of movies, oh man. me and taylor watched slc punk last night, fucking good.
-i dunno what else. a lot. i like austin, guys >:cccc
and now i'm off
to do some laundry
fuckin. fun.
and we're going to a party tonight, rock. i am happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|09:30 pm] |
oh god these blackberries are horrible |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|05:39 pm] |
Whoa, none of my moods for the last I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW MANY posts are good. I had no idea how often I use this journal for catharsis, that is weird to think about. I'm in a pretty good mood today, so yeah, gonna. Lighten up the joint.
I'm almost done with this story, DO YOU HEAR ME TAYLOR? I could have this thing done tomorrow. Also I finished Katie's comic today. I am a machine.
*flex* |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|01:59 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | angst, hate, money, moving | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the rapture - get myself into it | ] |
HOW DO I NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY, GUYS
HOW DOES /ANYONE/ NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY
I WISH MONEY WEREN'T A THING
YOU EITHER HAVE TO HAVE ALL OF IT OR BE DROWNING IN BILLS
I JUST WANT IT TO NOT BE A PROBLEM >:C
I WANT IT TO JUST BE TAKEN CARE OF SO I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT
THERE ARE A FEW SELECT THINGS I HATE ABOUT LIFE AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2009|10:16 pm] |
Ugh well. I can't load my car up with stuff when I ship it. I can't put ANYTHING AT FUCKING ALL in the car because it is against the law. Fucking. Lame. So I guess I need even more money IT NEVER ENDS to ship this shit out to Austin. God. Lol sometimes I wonder if the world is like. Insisting I not move there. I want to cry. There's not much of anything I'm happy about at the moment |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the mars volta - cassandra gemini | ] |
I am writing CCCCC:
You know what I kind of feel like right now? That Jim Gaffigan bit where he's talking about when you watch something that's old and you really want to talk about it but you have no one to talk about it with because they saw it a million years ago.
HEY I JUST SAW HEAT!!!
HEAT??? I SAW THAT SIX YEARS AGO
NEHHHH I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NOWWW
except lol the things i watched are not that old
well sort of
not all of them
lol there are only two of them, go home natasha |
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